A Game of Choices
"The essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love, passion." - Nadia Boulanger.
For several years now, I have been aware that I have made some poor choices in my life from time to time. Unfortunately, I continue to make them, and as I age, I find the consequences seem to snowball at an alarming rate. At the moment, I have my irons in too many fires. I have so many options available to me that I cannot keep up with all that I am interested in. I just do not seem to have the time and energy to "be all I can be". It does not mean that I don't want to try, though.
In looking for ways to maximize my capacity, I watched a YouTube video of a young man who wanted to train like the superhero Batman for 30 days. According to his research, various versions of Batman have collectively been credited with mastering 127 forms of martial arts, knowing multiple languages, being educated in over 40 different fields of study (psychology, mechanical engineering, chemistry, business, espionage, etc.), having elite physical abilities, sharp detective skills, mastery of multiple weapons, and genius mental capacity. I got that far into the video, realized that it probably was impossible to be Batman, and moved on to something else.
It made me wonder about how the choices that we make shape our identities, and this leads me to explore two questions:
- What if I choose to do everything?
First of all, given the fragile human body and shortness of time on Earth, is this even possible? Barry Schwartz wrote a book in 2004 titled The Paradox of Choice. The main premise is that excessive choice can increase decision difficulty, expectations, opportunity costs, regret, and self-blame, and can sometimes leave us less satisfied with what we chose.
This did not seem to stop Batman, and it makes me wonder: was he an expert in all those things, or did he know just enough to get by?
"You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself." - Unknown.
- What if I choose to do nothing?
"Life's greatest freedom is having nothing to prove." - Unknown. I don't know about you, but I can tell you that a lot of what I do revolves around not wanting to appear like I am a POS. I strive to keep my house and car clean, dress nicely, brush my hair, do my skincare, be responsible, educate myself, get good grades, outdo everyone when I cook, and be well-mannered. I have tried to control my environment and the people within it and had varying degrees of success and massive amounts of failure.
Was this all a waste of time? Should I have chosen to let the current of life lead me where it may? Is that even possible?
Perhaps choosing to do nothing doesn't really mean doing nothing. Maybe it means giving up the constant effort to optimize, control, achieve, and prove.
"Everything that is meant for you will find you. From people, to moments, to things. If it is for you, it will come. And when it does, be there. Live. And love." - Unknown.
"Paradoxical as it may seem, the purposeful life has no content, no point. It hurries on and on, and misses everything. Not hurrying, the purposeless life misses nothing, for it is only when there is no goal and no rush that the human senses are fully open to receive the world." - Alan Watts.
No goal? Ahhh, it is so hard for me to wrap my head around. Shouldn't I be making the right choices so that I can pat myself on the back for my intelligence and foresight? I mean, after all, if I end up on the street, old, ugly, and crazy, everyone will be quick to point out that I could have prevented my situation if only I had made better choices.
What if you find yourself in the paradox of choice and can't seem to make the perfect decision? One of the ways this happens is through raised expectations that come from getting to choose from a lot of options. We are then constantly searching for the "best" option, whether that is a job, a partner, a place to live, a pet, or a can of tuna. The paradox is that while we search for the "best" of everything, we are satisfied with none of it. Mr. Schwartz calls people like this maximizers.
He compares that to people he calls satisficers. They are people who have something in mind, establish criteria for what they consider "good enough," and stop searching the moment that they find it.
One way to practice satisficing is to establish a few criteria before making a decision. Write 3 strict rules before making a plan, shopping, or even browsing. Once those rules are in place, the moment that you find an option that works, go with it and quit looking at or thinking of anything else.
Example: If you are going to dinner and are worried the food at the restaurant will ruin your diet, you could set these rules:
1) I will eat nothing fried.
2) I want a vegetable with my meal.
3) The food I eat must contain a lean protein.
There! You have just narrowed your choices considerably! Instead of cruising the menu, you can go directly to the chicken or fish section and find the first entree that meets your criteria and then put your menu down.
Was it the best thing on the menu? Probably not.
Setting the criteria and sticking to it helped you make a choice that was in line with something that you value, and over time, it will help you create the life and identity that you want.
All the choices Batman makes are with the end game of being the best at fighting crime. The individual skills he pursues may seem unrelated, but they all serve a central purpose and are in line with what he values most.
The consequence of playing the game of choices in alignment with what you care about most is that choosing one thing inevitably means not choosing something else. There is no way to play without giving something up.
Maybe the object of the game isn't to make perfect choices. Maybe it is to make choices that are good enough, consistent enough, and meaningful enough to create a life that looks like your own. May you make the ones that bring you joy.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby