Belonging
There is a lot of self-help advice that trumpets the idea that you don't need anyone, ever. Also that if you encounter any issues with people, then leave; you don't need to put up with them. I must admit that this philosophy is something that any feeling person has found attractive throughout the centuries. Voltaire said, "Being unable to make people more reasonable. I preferred to be happy away from them." While I agree, I wonder why it is, then, that being excluded can hurt so badly? If other people are just an inconvenience, why do we still want friends? Biology is to blame for a large portion of this problem. We are the most social of all species. A sense of belonging is important to our physical and mental well-being. The conveniences that come with modern life make it so easy to stay away from others. This does not change the fact that we humans still need each other.
For there to be a feeling of not belonging, there must be something to belong to. The following diagram covers some people or places you might to belong to, starting with yourself.
When following the circle, you may find there are places where you feel that you do not belong. How does this happen? The things that we experience as children can affect our feelings of belonging. Parents might have been emotionally neglectful, there is bullying, exclusion, or trauma to deal with, or a lack of self-acceptance. "My goal as a parent is to never make my children feel like they don't belong. Nobody deserves to live life as the shunned black sheep." - unknown. Here are some ways that these experiences might manifest:
A feeling that you don't belong anywhere - You are in good company, many people that you would not have believed would ever feel this way do. "I've always felt like I'm on the periphery of things, so I'm always surprised when I belong anywhere. I go with curiosity into whatever environment that I'm in, not expecting to be accepted or welcomed. I've spent a lifetime getting comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable. No one is more boring to me than myself and I find other people much more interesting. I find myself profoundly dull." Cate Blanchett, words taken from an interview with Radio Times and written by Andrew Pulver, 2025.
A feeling that the Earth is not your real home- "...I have the strange impression that I don't belong to the human race." - Clarice Lispector, The Stream of Life. This feeling of 'other-worldliness' happens so often that it cannot be considered rare. Some believe that heaven is their true home and that is why they feel so out of place. Others feel like they aren't part of Earth at all. "I used to think when I was young, that I was from a different plant. Every night I would talk to my real family in the skies. I knew there were thousands of other alien babies dropped off all over the place, and I have met a few of them. It's really fun to pretend that, you know, that there is some special reason for me and why I feel so homesick all the time, and so do the other aliens. And I only have a chance to come across a handful of these aliens the rest of my life... Eventually one day, we'll find out what we're supposed to do." - Kurt Cobain. The feeling of not belonging to the human race when you are here on Earth can create feelings of isolation and loneliness. Feelings of not belonging lead to an increased likelihood of addictive behavior. Addicts are more likely to commit suicide, another unfortunate sign of our times.
The school yard is a wonderful place to learn what it is like to be excluded and what it is like to exclude. Some of the wounds from this tender period in our lives will always show as scars. "Not belonging is a terrible feeling. It feels awkward and it hurts, as if you were wearing someone else's shoes." - Phoebe Stone. The feeling can be overcome and healed with some work. Here are some suggestions:
Change your environment- "A bottle of water can be $1 at the market, $3 at a restaurant, $4 at the movies and $6 in an airport. It's the same exact water. The only thing that changed it's value was the place. So next time you feel like you have no value, maybe you're in the wrong place." - Pinterest posted by Eileen Langdon Is it possible to be born into the wrong family, town, time period? I think that it may seem that way to many who have been victims of being perceived as something they no longer are or never were to begin with. I wonder how much potential was never reached by people being stuck in the wrong place? "When a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows not the flower." - unknown I think that you know if you are somewhere you don't belong when you cannot quit feeling stressed out, when you can't find peace. "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or an inferiority complex, make sure you're not just surrounded by assholes." - Sigmund Freud. You cannot be responsible to try and fix every situation, you might have to move on for your own happiness. "Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." - unknown. There will be times though, when you cannot leave and will have to resort to other means of coping.
Feel like you belong to an invisible community- "Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation." Albert Einstein. Other people in the universe love what you love and value what you value, but you may never connect, even if they are living right next door. Maybe you do not belong where you currently find yourself, but that doesn't mean you are in this fight alone. You can hold yourself to the standards of the ideal person that makes up any of the groups above, knowing that others are also striving for that ideal. Born into a family or country where their 'normal' feels wrong to you? Research out the traits of the ideal family or country and hold yourself to those values. You belong with the others who abide by those values.
Read and learn about people as much as you can- Sometimes the only way to feel part of the human race is through reading books. "You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive." - James Baldwin We are really not all that different, despite what the ego would have you believe.
Radical self-acceptance- go ahead and feel like you are special, because you are. This will help you change from a place of love, not hatred. "The ones who've always felt different or out of place: The black sheep, the indigo child, the outcast, the star seed, and the loner. You are the chosen ones, you couldn't fit in because you weren't meant to. Honor it, accept it, embrace it." - unknown
Reach out to others and make them feel as if they belong with you- It is easy to isolate after being hurt, especially if we were excluded from a group we wanted acceptance from. Time is precious, though, and how much of it are you willing to lose pouting that things did not work out how you wanted them to? It is unrealistic to expect that you will skip through life without resistance, and that everyone is supposed to love you. There are battles you will fight that can't be won, but chin up, soldier! Take a look at the circle diagram above. If you aren't accepted within your own family, move on to a social group or a religion. Still no luck? Keep moving, search for a place where you feel at home, where the ideal member of that group is someone you would aspire to be like. My happy place is feeling that I am a tiny, precious piece of the universe, ever expanding outward, learning as I go. Everything contained within this universe, good and bad, is also me. I am never alone, despite having the unpleasant experience of being shunned or actively pushed away by some people who I wish would have loved me. I am still a part of their group by default (lol).
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on Earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could." - Louise Erdich. If you are feeling that you do not belong, you are not alone. It will be alright, keep trying to live up to being the ideal in the group that you admire most and do not let those around you make you question your worth. Who knows, maybe you will bump into others who want to join you on your way. 😄If you liked the quotes used in this post, I created a free, printable quote sheet for you here.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby