Children

I read this on Pinterest the other day: "One day, your child will sit across from someone and explain to them what it was like to be raised by you. Make sure it's a story worth telling." - unknown, and I thought about the mistakes that I made raising my own children. If you ever feel the need to be humbled, become a parent. Most people who become parents start with the best of intentions. My kid will only eat organic baby food made by me, they will have perfect manners, they will be a genius, only to have reality hit them with a junk food-loving, smart-mouth that does not care to read enter their world. You, of course, love them anyway and often find that they taught you much more than you ever were able to give them in return. But you do not know that at first.

If I could go back and give myself some parenting advice, these are a few of the things that I would want myself to think about.

1. Try to fix yourself first. I know that this is almost impossible when you are in your early 20's, you've got other things on your mind, but how you are living and who the other people in your life are make up the environment that your new little humans are exposed to. "Nothing influences children more than the silent facts in the background." - Carl Jung. We tend to ignore that they are facts, and that even a baby that cannot speak yet is taking it all in. "Young children are not cognitively capable of sorting out the complexities of your 'bad days', unresolved trauma, or ancestral patterns. They see your emotions and behaviors simply as a real-time reflection of how you feel about them." - Missy Willis.
2. Know that your "personal" choices will affect your children in ways you never intended or imagined. The following quote is true: "A child's shoulders were not built to bear the weight of their parents' choices." - unknown, but they will have to bear it nevertheless. Sometimes, there is nothing parents can do to stop it either, and this is where the damage starts. "Carl Jung had the idea that we are born whole and then lose pieces of ourselves in the crucible of childhood...The main task of midlife, Jung thought, was to weather the crisis that arises from this experience of loss and become a whole, integrated person again." - Eric Maisel, PH.D. (from The Creativity Book). We have the potential to unintentionally destroy something in each kid that we raise, or even just young people we come in contact with. Do not be too hard on yourself about this; it's not like they come with instruction manuals, and you yourself are still trying to overcome how you were raised. That being said, try to be your best self around them.
3. Do not ignore or refuse to talk about family issues and how they are affecting everyone. "Families that deny the elephant in the room, or issues that are harmful to one another, drain their bloodline of the ability to love and grow together. Those that want to heal will have cut ties with the old system and start pumping truth and integrity into themselves and their new family in order to evolve." - unknown. There is a benefit in letting your children know that you are not an all-knowing, never-do-anything-wrong person as long as they see you trying to get better. They can understand that to err is a natural part of being human.
4. Do not punish your child for not being perfect. "Perfectionism is taught to children when they are punished for their mistakes." - unknown. This hits home with me. It is a nice concept to ponder and a difficult one to put into practice. If you do punish a child for making mistakes, they then think that love and approval must be earned, and they will strive for the rest of their lives to get people to think well of them. "Perfectionism is the response of anyone who's had to work to be loved." - unknown.
5. Do not overreact, even to things you aren't comfortable dealing with. "We teach our children how honest they can be with us based on how we react when they tell us things we don't want to hear." - Susan Stiffleman. When we get children in trouble for telling the truth, what choice do they have but to lie? Or if they are told that their truth does not matter? It is difficult to foresee the outcome of your reactions. Some kids have very strong emotions that can be hard to help them overcome, especially if you were never allowed to let yours out. "Children can only regulate the emotions that they are allowed to have." - Christel Estrada. It is okay(if the situation is not dangerous) for you to take a timeout until you can get your own feelings under control before you deal with it. They will then learn that they can do the same.
6. Understand that the world in which you grew up, and the world your children are experiencing, are vastly different. "Don't force your children into your ways, for they were created for a time different from your own." - Plato. This is even more true today with our rapidly changing environments. Parenting becomes very confusing as the old ways (get a college education, work a corporate job) are no longer beneficial. "When a child comes into your life, it is time to relearn life, not to teach them your ways." - Sadhguru. How do you guide them into the unknown? By showing them how you navigated and survived with courage and with faith that things will work out.
7. Let them see you forgive your own parents. This may come easily for you, or it may never happen, but if you can do it, they will be more likely to forgive you later on, and no matter how awesome you are, you're going to need their forgiveness. "The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; and the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."- Alden Nowlan. And while you are at it, forgive yourself!
8. Remember that your children are not you; get to know them and adjust accordingly. Often, attempts to prepare our children for "the real world" end up causing more harm than good. There is a fine line between building a strong personality and breaking it. You can't know exactly how far to push it since each child is very different. The parenting style one kid might praise you for is the same one another will be traumatized over.
9. Listen to them when they are little, or they will quit talking. "Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff." - Catherine M. Wallace.
10. Speak to them like they are important to you and that you see potential in them for greatness. "Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, bravest, kindest, most wonderful human beings on the earth, for what they believe is what they shall become." - Brooke Hampton.
11. Remember that you are a teacher who is on duty twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Of all the things that you can teach them, please teach them to be kind. They are constantly watching how we treat others, they are listening to how we speak about others, and they know if we are being mean. "Don't become preoccupied with your child's academic ability, but instead teach them to sit with those sitting alone. Teach them to be kind. Teach them to offer help. Teach them to be a friend to the lonely. Teach them to encourage others. Teach them to think about other people. Teach them to share. Teach them to look for the good. This is how they will change the world." - unknown. If you find out that they are being mean to others at school, or church, or during sports, tell them to cut it out. Everything we do brings down or raises humanity, and it matters.

The future of the world will come about by what we do today. Our greatest contribution may be the influence that we have on the young people that we share this planet with. "The teaching of one virtuous person can influence many; that which is learned well by one generation can be passed on to a hundred." - Jigoro Kano.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby