Connection
The phrase 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' must have been referring to our connection or (lack thereof) to our fellow humans. To become the apex predator species, we had to rely on one another, help one another, communicate, and keep our connections. It is how we evolved. It is ingrained in our biology, in our minds, and in our bodies. Chat GPT told me this: "Culturally, anthropologists see that no human identity exists outside of relationships. Every society—whether hunter-gatherer, pastoral, agricultural, or industrial—develops kinship systems, rituals, and traditions that define people in relation to others (daughter, elder, friend, neighbor). Who we are is partly shaped by the social roles and cultural values around us." Well said.
If connection is an important part of our identities and our ability to get ahead, then why do we have problems with it? Well, it has roots in how we were treated by our caregivers. The way our caregivers connected (or didn't) when we were young will show up in our adult lives, affecting how we trust others, our ability to give and receive love, how we build relationships, and how we respond to authority figures. "Parenting is 80% connection and only 20% guidance, because until children feel connected, they have no reason to follow our guidance." - Dr. Laura Markham. Despite the advice given by business gurus, I would say that those percentages would be similar for leadership as well.
The consequences of not feeling securely connected to others can be hard to overcome as we navigate relationships throughout our lives. "Trauma is not only the occurrence of events and experiences, but the absence of love, safety, trust, belonging, and connection." - @The_Queer_Counselor. To counteract hurt feelings and broken hearts from not being able to share a close connection, some people will say that it is best not to form any but to go off and do their own thing. While this may save your feelings from being hurt, it will also keep you from caring deeply about anyone, which is the enemy of connection. "No more apologies for a bleeding heart when the opposite is no heart at all. Danger of losing our humanity must be met with more humanity." - Toni Morrison. Humanity can only be strengthened through a shared sense of connection.
We can still form connections with people that we do not like if both parties allow the other to have their own opinion without the threat of violence. "Safety is not the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection." - Gabor Mate. Think of connection as the body of a bird and opposing views as the wings. If you cut off one or the other or both, the bird will go nowhere.
After getting our hands slapped a few times, we are more cautious about connecting. "Before you respond to someone, remember that your response is also your agreement to establish an energy connection with them, which may change your energy field and vibrational frequency." - unknown. To have your life turned upside down is not pleasant, and we will often go to great lengths to avoid it. "Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That's why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people." - Ryan North. Difficult, yes, but we cannot give up trying to heal the wounds of humanity by avoidance.
What can we do to heal our problems with connection? "The right people actually want to stay and figure your heart out, even when it's tangled and tough to understand. They don't walk away at the first sign of trouble; instead, they lean in, listen, and learn about who you truly are. This kind of dedication is rare, but it's what builds the deepest, most meaningful connections. With patience and genuine care, they help you uncover the best version of yourself, proving that true companionship is about embracing each other's complexities." - R.M. Drake. First, you have to find someone willing to put time and energy into your relationship. This process takes two, so if someone refuses to connect, there is not much that you can do. What can you do if you never find someone like that?
Love who you are and be true to yourself. Yes, I am going to hit you with that cliche, but hear me out. Loving yourself and being confident in who you are will attract people who genuinely like you and repel the rest. "To become a person does not necessarily mean to be well adjusted, well adapted, or approved of by others. It means to become who you are. We are meant to become more eccentric, more peculiar, more odd. We are not meant just to fit in. We are here to be different. We are here to be the individual." - James Hollis. Becoming an individual, being true to your weirdness, will cut off connections with people who do not feel safe around you. That is alright, nothing will make you feel more alone than having fake connections. "Be weird. Be random. Be who you are, because you never know who would love the person you hide." - Alan Watts.
If being true to who you are still does not net you many connections, then you are left with another option - love others and help them see their self-worth. "The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love- whether we call it friendship or family or romance- is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other's light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another." - James Baldwin. Helping to brighten someone's day and giving them a reason to believe that there is still good in the world is a positive connection that you can freely give out. I hope that you will be conscious of your connections and work to strengthen them this week.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby