Letting Go Of Someone You Loved- Part 2

This is part two of a difficult subject that I divided into sections: When you are the one being left (see part 1) and When you are doing the leaving.

When you are doing the leaving- There are as many reasons you may find yourself letting go of someone who you loved as there are people, for each one will be different. Some people are easy to leave and others we never can fully shake, the bond is just too strong. Here are a few motives that you might identify with-

We change- "You never give away your heart; you lend it from time to time. If it were not so how could we take it back without asking?" - Jeanette Winterson I am sure you've heard the saying that the only constant is change, and it is true. Our future with those we love is not promised. We tend to ignore this truth and plan our future, thinking that we know how it will play out based on what we know now. Maybe it is a good thing that we do. I am not sure we would want a future if we did not think we had some control over it. We cannot live in the future; we must live in the present. While living in the now, we start to notice when things don't feel right, our mind opens and we realize that we have choices. "The most profound personal growth does not happen while reading a book or meditating on a mat. It happens in the throes of conflict- when you are angry, afraid, frustrated. It happens when you are doing the same old thing and you suddenly realize that you have a choice." - Vironika Tugaleva These choices can be made and carried out immediately or thoughtfully, but the consequences will lead to change. If the person you love cannot keep up with the changes and adapt with you, then your relationship will end.

The mirror principle- "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton Unfortunately, we are usually not self-aware enough to follow this advice. The problem is that we are unconsciously attracted to people who reflect the qualities of someone we wish we were able to be. This sounds fine until put into practice. As an example, let's say we were raised in an environment where we were forced to be independent when in reality we wanted to be taken care of. We are attracted to a person who needs care (they mirror this need), and we get into a relationship with that person. All hell breaks loose when you begin to realize that you did not want to take care of this person, and you start resenting them. This is not their fault; they fell in love with someone they thought would take care of them. How were they supposed to know that you did not want that when you had not even realized it yourself? This realization tends to come at the most inopportune time, causing the maximum amount of damage to your relationships. It is painful to stay and painful to go.

We give up- We can give up on many aspects of a relationship. We can give up hoping someone will understand us, that they will meet our needs, that they will stop bad behaviors, that we will stop ours. The years pass and eventually, you will find that you have either helped one another, hurt one another, or hindered one another. "Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." - Samuel Ullman, Youth I have witnessed couples who are living in this state of giving up and I hate how the light is gone from their eyes. Their interactions with each other are terse, routine, condemning; two souls just waiting for the other to die. Their obituaries will give them praise for the longevity of their union, a goal for the rest of us to aspire to.

We are restless- There is a world full of things to do, places to see, and people to meet. Some people do not care about these things and some people cannot live with the idea of never seeing them. "I'm restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again." - Anias Nin My father had a wandering foot, he never liked to be stuck in one place for long. This was hard on the family (I changed schools 3 times in one year once). Interestingly, as I grew older (teenager), I came to like moving on and grew excited each time we got to go somewhere new. My mother wanted a house of her own, a garden, an orchard, security. She grew tired of being dragged all over, so my father settled down and she was able to live the last 25 years in one place. For myself, I cannot shake the itch of the wandering foot. "I am devoured with restlessness and fever. I cannot be quiet. I am wildly dreaming of escape, voyages, love, wildly craving love." - Anais Nin Those who never feel this pull will say that being restless is not a good enough reason for being selfish. Perhaps, but do those who love the cage have the right to prevent others from flying? Who gets to judge whose sacrifice is greater? Ahhh, the pain of being human.

We need to enforce boundaries- My mother used to tell me that, "If you'll do it, they'll let you." Human nature is like that and we can get guilted into doing many things that other people think we should be doing. The most intense pressure seems to be applied by those we love. If you keep giving in, eventually you will have no idea who you really are or what you want anymore. "If you're not sure, it's a no. If you don't want to, it's a no. If you're not ready, it's a no. If your intuition says no, it's a no. If it feels bad, fake, forced, off, uncomfortable, or weird, it's a no. Maturity is saying no without apologizing when enforcing your boundaries." - Dr. Thema Bryant This advice can be useful if you know how to listen to your intuition (keep in mind that healthy relationships involve a bit of mutual sacrifice), or very destructive and selfish if used poorly. "Your boundary need not always be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: I will be treated sacredly."- Jaiya John. This is the feel-good method of setting a boundary and is the preferred method if you are healed enough to implement it. It is the major component of both detachment and letting go (see part 1 of this post). Be prepared for pushback, sometimes violently, from those who aren't used to honoring boundaries. Your only recourse might be leaving.

We realize that they do not love us the way we need to be loved-"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.' - unknown This is different than giving up. This is an acceptance of a reality that we did not want to believe. It is the heartbreak of fully understanding that your parent, or child, or partner cannot give you what you thought you deserved. To process this slap in the face, you may need to distance yourself, sometimes for years. You are not only trying to wrestle the emotions that you carry towards them, but the emotions that you carry about the assumptions, manipulations, expectations you brought to the relationship. It is sometimes best done at a distance.

"I am writing with a burnt hand about the nature of fire." - Ingeborg Bachmann I understand leaving people I loved and I have been crushed and driven to my knees by someone leaving me. I know what it means to feel suffocated, hoping to die if forced to stay, contrasting the agonizing guilt when you go. The decision to leave should not be taken lightly or done in the heat of the moment. Examine the manner of your leaving and ask, are you doing it to save yourself or are you doing it to force another to change? Are you walking away to avoid responsibility or to enforce boundaries? There are consequences to every action that we take and we have no control over them. The person you leave might die or they may be better off without you, and you have to be okay with that. We all try to make the best decisions we can when it comes time to make them. Our ability to make these decisions comes from an imperfect place, one influenced by upbringing, society, wounding, feelings, and personality. You can know someone their whole life and never fully understand these things about them. My hope for writing about this subject is that we will forgive one another for these decisions, even when they break us. Click here for a free printable sheet containing this week's quotes.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby