Loss

"Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things." - unknown.

Loss is a separation, and being separated from something we want makes us sad. Since the only thing that is sure in life is change, we will experience many losses before the ultimate loss- death. I have observed many older couples lately who used their last few years together bickering and arguing, generally with one being extremely aggressive and the other being the martyr. When one of them dies, the other suddenly waxes nostalgic about how much the deceased spouse meant to them, even though I am pretty sure they had thought about strangling them often.

Of all the people that we have relationships with over the years, those we are closest to should be those whom we treat the best. "Consider it: every person you have ever met, every person will suffer the loss of his friends and family. All are going to lose everything they love in this world. Why would one want to be anything but kind to them in the meantime?" - Sam Harris, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason. It makes you wonder why anyone would want conflict and animosity to be the way that they spend their last days alive, and yet I think that it happens more often than not. I decided to look into this to gain a better understanding, for myself and a dear friend who was also wondering about this phenomenon.

In psychology, there is a term called ambivalent attachment. The definition of ambivalent is- holding strong, conflicting feelings at the same time. You can be dependent and resentful. You can feel love and anger towards someone. Long-term relationships are complicated because there is no way to avoid becoming emotionally intertwined. The relationship itself becomes part of your identity (no matter how miserable). When the relationship ends, you lose-

1. Shared history.
2. A future (even if you know it will be unhappy).
3. A psychological reference point.
4. Your role (wife, husband, a couple).

Your mind makes sense of your life by organizing it around who you are in comparison to others and your relationship with them. The history you share with someone contains years of shared routines, arguments, inside jokes, and traditions. You know your partner's habits and problems. This knowledge helps you with your self-identity: "I am the funny one, and you are the serious one." Once this reference point is lost, you might not know who you are anymore. The brain will have to reorganize its understanding of your life without this fixed point around which you have been revolving. You lose a sense of who you are. "Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself." - Robin Williams (1951-2014). Robin Williams is partially correct, but in the case of a long-term relationship, you do lose part of yourself.

Your nervous system takes a hit. Even if your relationship was miserable, it was predictable and familiar. Your emotional reactions are shaped by how the other person typically responds. You knew the pattern of engagement. It is a type of conditioning that your body is used to doing even after the mind has accepted the loss. It takes a while for the body to catch up.

Losing someone who can externally confirm your memories, someone who remembers your life as you remember it, messes with your mind. It is disorienting to no longer have shared confirmation. You miss being remembered by that person. There might also be fear that you will forget things about them once time has passed. "The life of the dead is placed on the memories of the living. The love you gave in life keeps people alive beyond their time. Anyone who was given love will always live on in another's heart." - Marcus Tullius Cicero.

I think that we all want to be remembered fondly for all the kind things we did and have our sacrifices acknowledged and honored. Being human, though, means that you also were full of selfishness and some bad behavior. "Every person has a dark side. What defines a person with good character is not a spotless life of constant kindness, smiles, and even temperament- but a willingness to see in themselves their deepest and wildest selves, lust, greed, jealousy, and envy. Their complete and authentic self." - unknown. Knowing someone a long time gives you a good idea of their "complete and authentic self", and you may have lost respect for them somewhere along the way. There is often a feeling of guilt that comes from holding onto bad feelings about the other person. "To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it." - Confucius.

Knowing someone's dark side should also come with an understanding of how they acquired it. "If you are filled with anger, you create more suffering for yourself than for the other person... so you are trying to bring peace to yourself first. When you are calm, when you are lucid, you will see that the other person is a victim of confusion, of hate, of violence transmitted by society, by parents, by friends, by the environment. When you are able to see that, your anger is no longer there..." - Thich Nhat Hanh. Perhaps this is why long-term relationships are important, as they provide us with the opportunity to understand and, hopefully, forgive others.

When and if you can reach that level of humanity, then maybe all the sorrow, pain, and suffering that you have endured from loss will be worth it because you have transcended it. "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, know struggle, know loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ros. But you don't have to evolve in that direction; you can choose to be mean-spirited, disagreeable, and angry, just don't expect that all who knew you will speak of you kindly. "Truth is not what you want it to be. It is what it is. And you must bend to its power or live a lie." - Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings.

We can use loss to teach us many things, but I think that the most important lesson is that we, fragile little humans, are not in control, and yet we have great power in how we choose to look at these lessons. "He who fears loss has already been beaten." - Jigoro Kano. Loss is not something to be feared, but something to be expected. Relying too much on something or someone that we can lose is a poor life strategy. This leads us back to being grateful in the moment, no matter what has happened. Good Luck! "But if you knew you might not be able to see it again tomorrow, everything would suddenly become special and precious, wouldn't it?" - Haruki Murakami.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby