Love is a Verb
"When deeds speak, words are nothing." - African Proverb.
How do the people around us know that we love them? Most would say that you tell them. But some will say those three words every day, and every day, they will have the same meaning- nothing. While they are quite pleased with their "efforts", what does it mean when it is just said instead of shown? A hollow, empty, dead phrase that absolves the speaker from doing things that they do not want to take the time to do. Have you ever heard, "Play a game with me. Pick up milk from the store on your way home. Please help me with this chore. Can you listen to me complain about my mother for the thousandth time?" - and can't do any of that? Well then, just tell them that you love them every night, and I'm sure it will be fine. "Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost." - Khalil Gibran.
I have been educated on the five love languages- Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch …and they all require that the giver do something — to put forth effort, to act in ways that are meaningful to the receiver… even if they don't understand why. People prefer that you show them you care through your actions. Love is demonstrated through selfless acts of service to others. Love is caring about someone's mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health and then putting in the time to help them with what they need. Often, that need is doing a physical chore that takes some form of effort. "Hands that help are better far than the lips that pray." - Robert Green Ingersoll. Every day, the opportunity to show love to others presents itself.
Love is sharing not only in recreation, but also in chores and responsibilities. Listening to someone on their good days, but also on their bad days, when their perspective on an issue seems crazy. "The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich. Teaching, helping with projects, and coaching without being concerned with just the win, all show the love that we have for other humans, that we care about their success. "I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Being willing is not enough. We must do." - Leonardo da Vinci.
What happens when we just can't do it? When people that we are supposed to love take more than we can keep giving? "Virtue lies in our power, and similarly so does vice; because where it is in our power to act, it is also in our power not to act..." - Aristotle. This giving up on loving people is hard, as my optimism would have me believe that love can save the world. Giving up on loving people is easy when I no longer believe that it is worth it, and I can switch between the two faster than I'd like to admit.
What about relationships where no matter how much love and care you put into another, it will never be reciprocated? "Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back... then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else." - Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly. There is a real cost to choosing to love, one that must be weighed. Consider the price you'll pay for the following attributes:
Vulnerability- "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to." - unknown.
Respect- "Respect is at the root of love. Be still and know that you don't have to coax anyone to hold you in high regard. When love is intentional and authentic, there will be no anxiety about reciprocity. Connections meant for you won't be second-guessed or filled with uncertainty. Free yourself from relationships that leave you feeling insignificant." - Alex Elle.
Unselfishness- "Love is always ready to deny itself, to give, sacrifice, just in the measure of its sincerity and intensity. Perfect love is perfect self-forgetfulness. Hence, where there is love in a home, unselfishness is the law. Each forgets self and lives for others." - J.R. Miller.
Showing gratitude for another- "When we're having a cruel or angry thought, and we replay it over and over again in our mind, we are consuming toxic consciousness. If we are noticing the beauty of the day or feeling grateful for our health and the love of those around us, we are consuming healthy consciousness." - Thich Nhat Hanh.
Of course, if the only love given was perfect love, there would not be any given. If the only people loved were those who deserved it, we would almost all go without. As we navigate our relationships with others, all we can really do is examine what we are doing, analyze it, and try to improve. "My actions are my only true belongings... My actions are the ground upon which I stand." - Thich Nhat Hanh. Are our actions done with love and consideration for others, or are they for our own personal gain? Love is not something we feel our way into — it’s something we do our way into. It shows up in listening when we’re tired, helping when it’s inconvenient, and staying present when it would be easier to withdraw. Love is not words spoken; it’s a series of small choices made every day, and it takes time. So the real question isn’t whether we say we love — it’s whether our actions make that love visible.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby