Relationship Advice

I am not qualified to give any advice on this topic. Life always has a way of presenting interesting topics for me to explore, though, so here we are. My son has recently fallen madly in love with a wonderful girl, smart, funny, driven, kind, and head over heels for him. I am excited for their future together. They are talking about kids, careers, where they will live, all the things that are so important to young love. It made me think back to when I thought those were the most important topics when it came to a long-term relationship. What would I wish someone had told me, had I bothered to ask for advice?

Be self-reliant- First of all, be sure that you are in love with and can take care of yourself. "Figure out who you are, separate from your family and the man or woman you're in a relationship with. Find who you are in this world and what you need to feel good alone. I think that's the most important thing in life. Find a sense of self because with that, you can do anything else." - Angelina Jolie. There is a common misconception that we should relinquish our independence when entering a relationship and become dependent on someone else for decisions and resources that we could provide for ourselves. Women are particularly vulnerable to getting into a relationship where they are taken care of by a romantic partner and feel that they cannot leave because they are not self-reliant. It is important to remember that- "i am mine. before i am ever anyone else's" - Nayyirah Waheed

Believe actions rather than words- "Don't let someone's words blind you from their behavior." - Steve Maraboli. Listening to someone speak words that you want to hear is lovely. It will make you feel understood, valued, and that you have a future to look forward to together. Be careful that you aren't so excited that you forget to pay attention to see that their actions are aligning with their words. "Their effort will show you the position they want in your life. Not their words, promises or intentions. Their effort." - unknown Watch if they keep promises that they made to themselves or if they constantly break them. If they break promises to you, you don't have to take it personally; that is just who they are.

Fix yourself to the best of your ability- This process is never ending, but if you know that you are unhappy, don't make the mistake of thinking a relationship will fix that. The newness will distract you for a while, but you haven't gotten away from you, and you are still a mess. "Relationships don't cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already within you." - Eckhart Tolle. You must be aware of your flaws and actively try to understand why you do what you do so you can fix them and not put that responsibility onto others. "I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then the problems fix themselves." -Maya Angelou

Be honest- honesty is the highest form of intimacy. Don't claim to be something you aren't. In the beginning, you want to fit in with their family, with their friends, and with their lifestyle. You may hate hiking, but you figure that it's a small price to pay for a decent relationship, so you enthusiastically agree that hiking is great fun. Dishonesty will always come out eventually and cause you grief. "Until men and women start having honest conversations about who they truly are, what demons they battle with, where they lack, and what they truly want...love will continue to be a temporary emotion...Honesty and communication are key. Stop being afraid to speak on where you are." - Sara Kautz

Understand your responsibilities when conflict arises- I was speaking with a therapist about how my mother had always told me that "if there's a problem, it's 50% your fault". He brought up an interesting point: if there is a problem in a relationship, you are only responsible for fixing the 50% that is yours, not the whole 100%. He said that when some people are trying to fix a relationship, they will take on far more responsibility than they are required to. "You are only responsible for the effort, not the outcome." - Bryant McGil. For the outcome to be agreeable and fair to both parties, equal effort must be made during the fixing. If you find yourself putting in more than your half, you might want to let go.

Do not try to control the other person- this includes trying to convince them to treat you well. Mel Robbins has a popular philosophy for handling your relationships called "Let Them". She says, "We spend so much time and energy trying to control other people and get emotionally affected trying to decipher their behaviors, failing to realize we have no control over them. We were not put on this earth to control other people's actions. It's not your job to analyze people's behaviors and jump into conclusions about why they're doing what they're doing. The truth is, you'll never truly know. This is where the 'let them theory" comes in. A situationship doesn't wanna commit? Let them. Someone is excluding you? Let them. Not only is this emotionally freeing, but it allows people to show their true colors, and that is invaluable. You are then able to make better choices about the people you want to keep in your life." - Mel Robbins. If you are being treated poorly or with indifference, withdraw your attention and move on.

For the grand finale-

Never Lose Yourself In A Relationship
Stay in shape.
Do things alone.
Do what you love.
Chase your own goals.
Set healthy boundaries.
Prioritize personal growth.
Don't neglect your friends.
Always stay true to yourself and build your own empire. - SuccessProfessional

I found the above list on Pinterest, and I agree with all the points made by the author. I wish that I had made them a priority in my life before I was a wife and mother. It is easy for others to adjust to your habits if they were already a part of you in the beginning. Relationships can be the best and the worst things we experience as humans. It will always be to your advantage to be the best version of yourself you can be. If you liked the quotes that I used in today's post, you can find them here.

Love and hope,

Big Sky Baby