Responsibility

"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions." - Dalai Lama

I am not sure how many of you have dealt with a narcissist, but I am guessing that most who read my posts have. There is something about having them distort your reality that makes you question everything about your life. For those of you who aren't sure, a narcissist is a master at not taking personal responsibility for anything. A classic narcissist will outwardly blame others for their actions, "You made me act this way.", while a covert narcissist will blame something else, such as anxiety or upbringing, "My dad hit me, so that is all I know." The damage they do to others is real but are they responsible for the consequences of their actions?

What is personal responsibility, and what or who are we responsible for? Conversations and debates about this subject have been taking place for centuries. The environment, community/tribe, possessions, family, your relationship with God and the universe, not to mention your health, mind, words, and the energy you radiate have all been identified as personal responsibilities. I have chosen to write briefly about our responsibility to the environment, others, and ourselves and save some of the other topics for a later date.

Environment- This topic I won't elaborate much on in this post. The following quote rings true, "We have to recognize that every breath of air we take, every mouthful of food we take, comes from the natural world. And if we damage the natural world, we damage ourselves. We are one coherent ecosystem. It's not just a question of beauty or interest, or wonder - the essential ingredient of human life is a healthy planet." - David Attenborough Taking responsibility for our environment is essential for the lives of future generations.

Community and Others- A popular self-help advice I often see given is that you are not responsible for others, only yourself. It usually looks something like this, "It is not my responsibility to heal, save, punish or control other people." -unknown. I agree that we do not have the right to punish or control others so there is truth in this statement but, do we carry no responsibility for the health of our communities and the people in them? If everyone thought that way, there would never be teachers, coaches, mentors, or healers be they spiritual, mental, or physical. Looking back on my own life, I can emphatically say that without the many kind and helpful people who took an interest in me, I probably wouldn't be alive today. The gratitude I feel for their influence is eternal, even though I have forgotten some of their names. If we can save another person the pain from lessons we already learned the hard way or keep them from losing hope when they are down, I believe it is our responsibility to do so.

The responsibility we assume for others can be good or detrimental. It is good to acknowledge that your own behavior affects everyone around you. It is good to respect others' right to be different from you, to allow them their sovereignty, and to really listen to them to understand their point of view (even/especially when you disagree). This shows love and compassion for the human race. Taking on responsibility for things that are detrimental to either you or others or both includes: Doing for others what they can do for themselves, letting yourself get hijacked by taking on others' emotional well-being (a narcissist will exploit this tactic to make you think that you have to make them happy all the time, despite your own feelings, needs, and wants), and letting others avoid the consequences of their actions.

Responsibility becomes a burden when we take on more than we can deliver. If coaching your child's team is enough stress that you can use it to challenge yourself and grow, do it. If it ruins your life, you weren't ready, let it go. Other people do not get to make that determination for us, only you know how much you can handle at this point in your journey. If you aren't at a place where you can take on something big, remember that it is still your responsibility to others to be kind. "It all matters. That someone turns out the lamp, picks up the windblown wrapper, says hello to the invalid, pays at the unattended lot, listens to the repeated tale, folds the abandoned laundry, plays the game fairly, tells the story honestly, acknowledges help, gives credit, says good night, resists temptation, wipe the counter, waits at the yellow, makes the bed, tips the maid, remembers the illness, congratulates the victor, accepts the consequences, takes a stand, steps up, offers a hand, goes first, goes last, chooses the small portion, teaches the child, tends to the dying, comforts the grieving, removes the splinter, wipes the tear, directs the lost, touches the lonely, is the whole thing. What is most beautiful, is least acknowledged. What is worth dying for is barely noticed." - Laura Mcbride

Yourself- And here is where we get into it. Personal responsibility is defined by the idea that we have choices that we can make to better or worsen our situation. Individuals must learn that if they choose this (say, have a good attitude), then this (setbacks won't destroy me), is the probable outcome. "We cannot have it both ways: if we are free, we are responsible: if we are not responsible, we are not free." - Fulton Sheen If you do not have a choice, your actions and their outcomes are not your responsibility. This must be the reason a narcissist blames anyone and anything but themselves; they cannot accept the idea that they had choices or admit that they made the wrong ones.

Freedom is what I have always passionately claimed to want. "You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It's their mistake, not my failing." - Richard Feynman How I want to dress, the topics I find fascinating, the people I love, my spiritual practices, all should be left up to me and I should allow others that same right. When people get uncomfortable with this because I am doing things they wouldn't, I am told I am selfish. "He who ignores his responsibilities while pursuing selfish desires cannot be called a warrior." - Sanada Yukimura How free, then, can we be? "There is very little real liberty in the world; even those who seem freest are often the most tightly bound. Law, custom, public opinion, fear or shame makes slaves of us all. - Louisa May Alcott

Another area where this gets messy is when we do things that we aren't consciously aware we are doing. Biology, psychology, family habits, and cultural norms affect our choices. A book I love about this subject is It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now by Barbara Sher. She clearly explains how nature and societal expectations drive much of our behavior. I found myself getting angry at some of the ideas she brings into the light which, for me, means they are most likely true. When an idea cuts too close to the bone, it forces me to think, a practice I highly recommend! It is often not until later in life that we realize that the choice we made thinking it was the best one is now destroying our happiness, but it turns out, our attitude about these wrong choices is also our responsibility- "There is one irrefutable law of the universe: We are each responsible for our life. If you're holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, you're wasting your time. You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didn't receive." - Pinterest, The Age of Enlightenment Ouch, not exactly what I wanted to hear.

Responsibility is a heavy word. Every action and inaction, words spoken and unspoken, and the thoughts we think have consequences. They ripple outwards into the universe, and we have no control over how they affect others. "You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make." - Jane Goodall As I awkwardly navigate a world full of choices, I hope I do not cause too much chaos, although it's probably too late for that. The best I can do is to mind my intentions and try to choose love. This is my responsibility. If you liked the quotes I used in this post, I created a free printable quote sheet here.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby