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# Surrender
- URL: https://big-sky-baby.ghost.io/surrender/
- Published: 2026-09-16T07:00:29.000Z
- Updated: 2026-09-16T07:00:29.000Z
- Author: Big Sky Baby

***“The first demand any work of any art makes upon us is surrender. Look. Listen. Receive. Get yourself out of the way.” — C. S. Lewis, An Experiment in Criticism.***

Surrender means "to cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority." In this life, there seems to be no shortage of opponents. Even if you had perfect relationships with every other human who crossed your path, you would still have to battle the outside forces of time, physical and mental decline, the environment, the temptation to behave badly, and the economic system.

Psychology and self-help are fields that, in part, help us deal with these issues. And battle we must—or so we are often told—because surrender means yielding, giving up, or submitting, all words commonly associated with weakness when viewed from a fighting perspective. I mean, the fight is what "makes a man," right? ***"So what is it in a human life that creates bravery, kindness, wisdom, and resilience? What if it's pain? What if it's the struggle?" — Glennon Doyle Melton*** But is surrender always a defeat?

Like many of the topics I want to understand, it seems that there are two sides to surrender.

**1) Resigned surrender** — This is surrender characterized by hopelessness or helplessness. It is giving up because you believe that nothing you do can change the outcome.

**2) Intentional surrender** — This is understanding the reality of a situation, recognizing that there are parts of it you cannot control, accepting this (even though you do not like it or think it is fair), and then putting your energy into the parts you can influence.

It looks something like this:

**Reality → Reality-testing → Acceptance → Discernment → Surrender or Action → Reassessment**

**Reality —** *"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are." — attributed to Marcus Aurelius*

The problem with reality is knowing whether we are perceiving it correctly. We see the world through our experiences, emotions, assumptions, biases, and incomplete information. What we believe to be reality may sometimes be our interpretation of it.

**Reality-testing —** Before accepting something as true, we should ask ourselves: What do I actually know? What am I assuming? What evidence would prove me wrong? Is there another reasonable explanation? What information am I missing? We may never achieve perfect certainty, but we can try to build the most accurate understanding that the available evidence allows.

**Acceptance —** *"We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses." — Carl Jung*

Acceptance does not mean liking something, approving of it, or deciding that it should remain this way. It means acknowledging, as honestly as we can, what is happening now.

**Discernment —** *"Discernment is the ability to judge something clearly and insightfully. Think of it as wise or big-picture judgment." — Big Sky Baby*

It is knowing what is within your control, what you may be able to influence, and what is outside your control.

**Surrender —** *"Do not resist your pain. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labelling it mentally. Allow it to be there. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace." — Eckhart Tolle*

Surrender is for those things that you cannot control.

**Take action —** Action is for those things over which you can exert some control or influence.

I think a real-world example might illustrate this sequence better. Let's say that you have been diagnosed with chronic back pain. After considering the medical evidence, you might say, "I have a chronic condition that is unlikely to be completely cured. I will probably experience recurring pain indefinitely. Some activities aggravate it. Certain treatments, exercises, medications, pacing strategies, or accommodations may reduce the pain or improve my functioning. Neither my doctors nor I can know exactly how my condition will progress."

Notice that this is neither the dramatically negative "I am doomed" nor the unrealistically positive "I will be cured." It is an attempt to describe reality as accurately as the available information allows while acknowledging uncertainty.

You are not going to be happy that you are in pain or think that it is fair that this is how you have to live your life, but you can still accept that this is what is happening now. Acceptance might say, "I have chronic back pain. I don't want it. I don't think it's fair. I wish it were different. But right now, this is the body I am living in, and continually insisting that my life shouldn't be this way doesn't change the fact that it is."

Proper discernment lies somewhere between helplessness ("Nothing can be done") and taking excessive responsibility ("If I am in pain, it must be my fault"). Sometimes a person can do everything reasonably available to them and *still hurt.* You must be able to distinguish among what you can control, what you can influence, and what is outside your control. It might look something like this:

**Control:** I can follow my treatment plan, ask for accommodations, choose appropriate activities, rest when necessary, communicate my limitations, and organize my environment differently.

**Influence:** I may be able to influence my pain intensity, strength, mobility, sleep, physical capacity, and perhaps the progression of the condition.

**Cannot control:** I cannot simply choose not to have the underlying condition, nor can I guarantee that I will be pain-free even if I do everything "right."

Now you can decide what to surrender and where to take action. Ask, "What do I stop fighting, and what do I continue fighting for?"

A person might surrender the demand for a completely pain-free life. They may choose to act by continuing medical treatment, changing jobs, modifying exercise, using assistive devices, traveling differently, asking for help, finding hobbies that don't exacerbate the condition, or occasionally deciding that something is worth doing even though there may be some additional discomfort afterward.

By making surrender selective, you stop fighting what cannot be changed so that you have more energy available to fight for what *can* be changed.

Speaking of change, it would be a good idea to reassess this entire process periodically. What you believe to be true now may change as circumstances, knowledge, treatments, or your own abilities change. This step prevents acceptance from becoming a prison. What began as a linear sequence becomes a feedback loop that can be used continually:

**Reality → Reality-testing → Acceptance → Discernment → Surrender or Action → Reassessment → Reality-testing again**

If we are to surrender, then I hope that we can surrender intentionally. We can release our struggle against those things we cannot control while continuing to influence what we can in alignment with what we value most.

Perhaps surrender is not always giving up. Sometimes it is deciding what is no longer worth fighting so that we have the strength to fight for what is.

And sometimes, in the face of surviving another thing we do not enjoy, we just need to remember the following advice:

***"Remember. He is the artist, and you are only the picture. You can't see it. So quietly submit to be painted." — C. S. Lewis***

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby