The 'Tell'

"The soul has no secret that the behavior does not reveal..." - Lao Tzu. When I think of the term "poker face", I imagine someone forcing their face to stay the same no matter what hand they were dealt. There is another word associated with games and espionage, which refers to the unintentional physical or verbal actions that reveal a person's truth and that is the word "tell". It is used most often in situations where someone is purposely trying to hide something to deceive others. The person cannot control these reactions because they are not conscious that they are doing them, but other people who are paying attention can use them to detect when something is off. "What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. Small things like a change in tone of voice, fidgeting, or over-explaining can set off an observant person's radar. Pair that with a few larger behavior "tells", such as aggressively attacking the questioner or another person to avoid answering, inconsistencies between physical and verbal cues (saying one thing, but doing another), or evasiveness, and the clues will add up to condemnation.

These "tells" are not just applicable to high-stakes games but to all of us as we try to navigate life by trying to survive being a social species. Behavior is a mirror for what's inside- our tone of voice, body movements, the way we spend our time, basically all our actions 'tell' on us. "Never too late to learn some embarrassingly basic, stupidly obvious things about oneself." - Alain De Botton. As we grow up, we recognize that the society we are in sets the rules for what is desirable and undesirable behavior. We find that we can be shamed and rejected for not adhering to the 'rules'. Often, the traits that we judge others harshly for are only obvious because we recognize them, we are familiar with the issue because it is a part of us. The proverb of 'when one finger is pointing at someone, three more are pointed back at yourself' can be interpreted as 'don't judge' or as incriminating evidence for some of the things that you see in someone else but do not want to see in yourself.

Not only are we not getting away with what we think we are, all of this hiding our true intentions takes a toll on us. "What kills a soul? Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management. And what brings a soul back from the dead? Honesty, connection, grace." - Shauna Niequist. Why, when being dishonest causes us so much trouble, do we continue to do so? Possibly because our lives could depend on it. If you are a spy, this is a given and people would understand your reasons for doing so. If you are being untrue to your values just so you can hang out with the "in" crowd, keep the peace in a family situation, or caving to societal pressures, I would still hope that people would understand. I also hope that you take a long look inward and realize that, no matter how good you think that you are at hiding what you are, someday someone will notice. The truths that lie within ourselves can be unconscious, but they want out, and they will get out, one way or another. "To believe in something and not to live it is dishonest." - Mahatma Gandhi.

There are consequences to not being honest with your life. "For years I've wanted to live according to everyone else's morals. I've forced myself to act like everyone else, to look like everyone else. I said what was necessary to join together, even when I felt separate. And after all of this, catastrophe came. Now I wander amid the debris, I am lawless, torn to pieces, alone and accepting to be so, resigned to my singularity and to my infirmities. And I must rebuild a truth- after having lived all my life in a sort of lie."- Albert Camus. "And after all this, catastrophe came", this is the consequence that will eventually come about. Your soul knows the truth. Your soul wants you to pay attention to it, and it will influence your behavior. Your behavior can then be examined closely to find clues to what might be leaking from your unconscious. Try to catch yourself the next time you get triggered and ask why? Then throw that information out into the light by writing or talking it through, and see if you can't find a way to understand what you might be doing that isn't in alignment with your values. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - Carl Jung.

I think that the best way to not worry about your unconscious behavior giving you away is to be honest in the extreme. "The real seeker of truth never seeks truth. On the contrary, he tries to clean himself of all that is untrue, inauthentic, insincere. And when his heart is ready, purified, the guest comes." - Osho. This practice will come with its own set of consequences, some of which won't be pleasant. It will save you and everyone else time if you can be brave enough to do it (unless you are a spy, and then you'd probably better not blow your cover). If you want to keep playing the game, just remember this quote by Chris Moneymaker- "The beautiful thing about poker is that everybody thinks they can play." The same can be said about the way we try to bluff our way through life. I wish you luck! 😄

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby