Be Kind

"It's a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other." - Aldous Huxley.

I have been in several situations over the last few months that began to darken my view on putting love out into the universe. I was starting to say "No good deed goes unpunished" grimly, as if I were a war veteran, as opposed to saying it lightly with a laugh. Life can make it seem this way, wearing out your good vibe and replacing it with bitterness. Somehow, though, I just can not seem to give in and truly believe that my kindness does not matter.

What is kindness anyway? Are people just kind by nature? Are they conditioned to be kind by parents, society, religion, or belief systems? For kindness to be truly kindness, choice must be involved. Kindness is the decision to act in ways that benefit others, even when there is little or no reward for doing so. Kindness is seeing that someone/something has a need, caring that it is unmet, and then choosing to respond in a helpful, respectful, and compassionate way. Kindness is a deliberate choice that carries risks, can be cultivated through practice and understanding, and creates effects that reach far beyond what we can see.

The decision to be kind, to tell the truth, and to do the right thing must be part of your value system—a part of you that you refuse to betray, even when doing so comes at a personal cost. "I know that my kindness hurts me, but I will continue to choose it, not because I am naive, but because my actions define me." -Najwa Zebian.

Yes, there are dangers in being kind. I watched a movie with my daughter where a serial killer targeted a person based on their trusting, kind, and helpful disposition. Kindness can be exploited. Kind people can be manipulated and taken advantage of. That is not a reason to stop. We can protect ourselves by people watching to see if others are using us. How can you tell if a person has unkind tendencies or is just oblivious? Ask yourself- "When someone realizes another person is suffering, what do they do?" Once people understand that someone is hurting, the kind ones generally try to reduce the suffering. Unkind people generally ignore it, exploit it, or increase it.

"Your patience with the slow walker ahead of you, your smile to the overwhelmed barista, your willingness to hold the elevator- these tiny gestures might be the only grace someone receives in their entire day. You have no idea how much power lives in your choice to be gentle with the world around you." - Vex King.

Can we really make a difference by holding the door, letting someone go first, or gifting a smile? The energy we put out is like tossing a pebble into a puddle; the wave moves outward, spreading, hitting anything in its path until the energy dissipates. Those touched by that energy often absorb some of it and may pass it on to others. Throw a pebble of negativity and hatefulness if you must, but know that you will have no control over the consequences of your actions. "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." - Marcus Aurelius.

Some people have a greater disposition to be kind than others. If you are one of these soft-hearted people, you might find yourself asking why other people can be so mean. "It is a credit to your character that you do not understand why people do unkind things. So instead of despairing over and picking apart someone's lack of compassion and consideration towards you, celebrate the fact that yours is abundant enough to never treat people that way." - unknown.

It is also kind to remember that people sometimes behave poorly not out of cruelty, but because they are distracted, overwhelmed, exhausted, afraid, or carrying wounds we cannot see. Some conditions, such as autism, may make social cues more difficult to interpret, while experiences such as abuse can affect how people relate to others.

How do people become kind? People become kinder through:

• Being shown kindness themselves. It would be hard to understand kindness if you were never shown any. In Christianity, Jesus commands people to love their neighbors. He does not say that you have to like them or understand them first. Why? Because if you are willing to take the action, often the feelings will follow, not just for you, but for those you have shown love for as well. So go out and spread the love.
• Learning perspective-taking ("How might this feel to the other person?"). "The three biggest green flags are growth, kindness, and compassion. If they are consistently kind and if they can see beyond their own perspective, then this is someone worth your time and energy." - Yung Pueblo.
• Building habits of generosity, consideration, and forgiveness. "I do not know any other sign of superiority but kindness." - Ludwig Van Beethoven.
• Reflecting on the consequences of their actions. To actually see how the words we say or the things we do cause someone else pain, stress, or sorrow is a gift that can help us understand that we are connected and that what we do matters to others, not just ourselves. After recognizing that you may have caused harm, it is important to feel genuine remorse. That discomfort can become the motivation to do better next time. "Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing." - Naomi Shihab Nye.

Like the energy I described earlier, kindness travels outward every time we act; kindness given does not just disappear. It travels on and on, and you will never really know the extent of its reach. "No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves." - Amelia Earhart. So, please do not get tired and give up on being kind. We owe it to each other in our attempts to make life bearable.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby