Independent
"The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm." - Swedish Proverbs
The idea for this post came to me this week while listening to the radio on my way home from work. A newsperson reported on a sign the county had put up in a certain area to inform visitors that the land had been a pauper's cemetery between the late 1800s and early 1900s. Over 400 men, women, and children had been buried there. She explained that many people came out West to try to make a new life for themselves and left behind their safety net of family, friends, and community, only to have no one there to bury them when they died. It made me wonder about what independence is and how independent we are supposed to be.
We all will have areas of strength when it comes to being independent. Some may be very good at being financially independent, but unable to withstand the pain of rejection applied by the masses if they do not look a certain way. "The whole educational and professional training system is a very elaborate filter which just weeds out people who are too independent, and who think for themselves, and who don't know how to be submissive and so on... because they're dysfunctional to the institutions." Noam Chomsky. Some people find it easy to buck the system while others do not.
Independence can build strength and resilience, but human beings thrive not through complete self-sufficiency, but through a careful balance of self-reliance and interdependence. Independence itself is many things. Humans can experience different types of independence/dependence in multiple areas of their lives. I will explain a few of these and look at the reasons why it might be beneficial to be independent in that area.
Physical- You exist right now in this world because of your body, and that body came equipped with certain biological needs and quirks. Shelter, food, water, disease, birth defects, vitamin deficiencies, substance abuse, the weather, the terrain, the pull of the moon, all affect our physical existence.
We are constantly being encouraged to increase our independence by taking better care of our physical selves. Earn more money so you can live your best life, care about your appearance so you can win people over, take care of your health so you do not have to rely on others to take care of you later, and educate yourself so you will not be taken advantage of. Much of our economy is fueled by these upgrades, and there is no denying that they do have the ability to deliver- just not all the time. "The idea of freedom is inspiring. But what does it mean? If you are free in a political sense but have no food, what's that? The freedom to starve?" - Angela Davis.
Emotional- These are the psychological and relational needs that we require to feel connected, valued, and safe. This is the area that I feel has suffered the most from our current obsession with being independent to the point of cutting out all face-to-face human interaction. People are being told that living by yourself and not dealing with people is the best way to live. Human touch, belonging to a tribe or team, acceptance, safety, respect, recognition, purpose, and competence are all important.
Modern psychology generally views many of these emotional needs as genuine human requirements for healthy functioning. Therapy can be a valuable tool for helping people understand and meet those needs. However, if we outsource too much of our emotional work to others, we can lose confidence in our ability to think through problems and navigate life's challenges for ourselves.
The reason that advice is given that it is a good idea to be emotionally independent is that most of these needs are often dependent on other people providing them to you, and good luck getting them to comply. You can supply some things, though; you can enjoy your own company, trust your own decisions, and love and respect yourself without outside validation. Emotional needs often overlap with the next section- spiritual needs.
Spiritual- Spiritual needs are the needs that arise from our search for meaning, purpose, connection, excellence, and an understanding of our place in existence. When people's physical and emotional needs are met, what is it that they still want? People often need to feel that their lives matter and that their experiences fit into a larger story. "Make friends with your needs. Welcome them. They are a gift from God, designed to draw you into a relationship with him and with his safe people. Your needs are the cure to the sin of self-sufficiency." - Henry Cloud.
If we become overly dependent on a spiritual institution, we may lose some of our spiritual sensitivity and our ability to recognize the insights, intuitions, and promptings that are meant specifically for us.
Mr. Cloud called self-sufficiency in the above quote a sin. Self-sufficiency is a person, family, or system that produces enough resources to continue operating indefinitely without outside input. That is a certain type of independence. A self-reliant person is an individual who is able to meet many of their own needs without depending heavily on others. An honorable ideal when not taken to the extreme.
When we are dependent on anything at all, it reduces our freedom. Human beings are rarely truly self-sufficient. We are usually best described as partially self-reliant individuals participating in interdependent communities. Someone living in an apartment with a good job may be very self-reliant but not self-sustaining because they depend on external systems for food, water, power, and income. Conversely, a commune or family farm might be fairly self-sustaining but not self-reliant at the individual level because members depend on each other.
Self-reliance develops competence and resilience; interdependence allows us to accomplish far more together than we could alone. The challenge is finding a balance where dependence does not become helplessness, and self-reliance does not become isolation.
"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes." - Fred Rogers. To be completely independent is one of the greatest of luxuries, and luxuries, by nature, are not meant for everyone. I hope that you will chase it, but if you catch it, I hope that you will use it to help those who never got the chance.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby