Manipulation

"Our motives for the things we do are where the sin is manifest." - Ezra Taft Benson.

I was working on a project over the weekend that required me to lift and move a couple of heavy objects, so I needed some help. I found myself thinking about how I could get someone to come by and what objections they might have to doing so. I decided to first try to appeal to their ego by asking whether they were feeling strong today (subtly, I thought, appealing to their manhood). Then, if I encountered resistance, I would play the guilt card. Thus, having a plan, I implemented it accordingly. I was immediately shut down and exposed for the manipulator I was. (Luckily, his father helped me instead.) Needless to say, had my manipulations worked, I would not be writing about it now.

Here I am, half disgusted with myself for trying to control an outcome and half upset that I'd lost my touch. While I was working for TSA, and during some of my anti-terrorism classes in college, I was taught to watch for signs of social engineering. Social engineering is a type of psychological manipulation used by attackers to trick people into breaking security rules. Manipulation is an attempt to influence another person's thoughts, feelings, or behavior through deceptive, coercive, or emotionally exploitative means. There are so many ways and means people use to try to get their own way (whether they are evil or not) that I could fill a book. Here are just a few:

Selective information: Concealing relevant facts, exaggerating certain facts, or presenting information strategically so that the other person's “choice” isn't fully informed.

Emotional blackmail: Making affection, approval, peace, or the relationship itself conditional on compliance. "An apology without change is just manipulation." -unknown.

Silent treatment used as punishment: Withdrawing communication or affection specifically to make someone anxious enough to comply.

Guilt-tripping: Creating guilt to obtain compliance. "It is spiritual abuse to use the Bible as a weapon to manipulate, shame, or guilt people into behaving in a way you approve of." - unknown.

Love bombing or excessive flattery: Using unusually intense affection, praise, attention, gifts, or promises to create attachment, obligation, or trust that can later be exploited. "You can't manipulate the Universe. Being "fake nice," strategically kind, practicing inorganic positivity- none of these things will help you attract better. The Universe responds to your frequency, not the image you're trying to uphold." - Vex King.

Weaponized helplessness: Claiming inability—or deliberately performing something badly—so another person will assume the responsibility. Genuine incompetence or difficulty, of course, isn't manipulation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to types of manipulative behavior, but not all manipulators are doing it knowingly. Kids can discover that if they throw a big enough fit, a parent will give in. Adults may find that if they act helpless, someone will step in and do what they do not want to. Not really evil masterminds, just people trying to find ways to get what they want. Intent matters, but so does method. One of the best clues to both is what happens when the other person says no. Can the other person disagree or refuse without being punished for it? "You are only rebellious in the eyes of those who cannot control or manipulate you." - Amanda Tyler.

Manipulation can also operate on a much larger scale. After all, the best way to manipulate is for the target to never know that they were manipulated at all. "Propaganda works best when those who are being manipulated are confident they are acting on their own free will." - attributed to Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda, Nazi Germany. We must pay attention so that we are not led astray.

A good test is to ask yourself anytime you feel a person or company is trying to influence you: ask, "Are they manipulating me or are they inspiring me?" "There are only two ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it or you can inspire it."- Simon Sinek. Sometimes the answer is both.

Is manipulating someone ever a good thing? If manipulation means deliberately bypassing another person's ability to make a free and informed choice, I don't think so—even when our intended outcome is good. "Without a question, an answer is experienced as manipulation or control. Without a struggle, the help offered is considered interference. And without the desire to learn, direction is easily felt as oppression." - Henri Nouwen.

Henri Nouwen perceived that other people may not experience our "help" as helpful simply because it was well-intentioned. To jump in with advice or to offer your opinion before someone has asked for it can feel like an attempt to direct behavior (because it often is). It is saying, "I know what you need to do and how you should do it better than you do." Help is more likely to be helpful when the other person is willing to receive it. This is where we often are unintentionally manipulative. We fail to recognize the difference between wanting to help someone and that person being ready to receive our help.

How can you tell when your attempts to influence someone have crossed into manipulation? Ask yourself whether you have deceived them in order to influence their choice. "When you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear."- Thomas Sowell.

"Honesty has a beautiful and refreshing simplicity about it. No ulterior motives. No hidden meanings. An absence of hypocrisy, duplicity, political games, and verbal superficiality. As honesty and real integrity characterize our lives, there will be no need to manipulate others." - Charles Swindoll.

Honesty does not require us to announce every thought or reaction we have. Tact and restraint are not necessarily deception. The problem begins when we deliberately create a false impression to influence another person's choices. Our emotions can also make us more susceptible to manipulation. Learning not to react immediately makes manipulation harder, because it gives us time to recognize what is happening and choose our response.

We will all find that we have tried to manipulate someone, and we are all subjected to attempts to influence us every day. Persuasion gives someone reasons to say yes. Manipulation makes it harder for them to say no. The lesson I learned this week wasn't that I shouldn't have wanted help. It was that I could simply have asked:

“I need help moving these. Would you be willing to help me?”

And then respected the answer. Let's make a conscious effort to influence others honestly, respect their right to say no, and stop ourselves when persuasion begins to become control.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby