Asking The Right Questions
"It was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never question anything." - Joseph Heller.
I think we all understand that asking questions is essential to personal and societal growth. Some of our first communications while learning to speak are questions. There is a learning curve here, though, and many people never figure out how to ask a question the right way. “There is a right way to ask a question?” you might ask. Yes. The quality of our answers depends on the quality of the questions we ask. "Knowledge is having the right answers. Intelligence is asking the right questions. Wisdom is knowing when to ask the right questions." - Richard P. Feynman.
In order to get a helpful answer, you must phrase the question in a way that is clearly understood by the one being questioned. Socrates said, "Understanding the question is half the answer." Socrates wasn’t trying to give answers—he was teaching people how to think clearly enough that answers emerge naturally. A well-formed question contains the answer in its structure. Many of the answers we seek remain hidden, not because they are complex, but because our questions are unclear.
How can you become better at asking questions? We will get to that eventually, but first, let's look at why we might be phrasing our questions incorrectly.
Our thinking can be the problem. The human mind is built to detect patterns, assign cause and effect, and fill in missing pieces with stories that explain why things happen. These stories feel like truth, but they are often interpretations layered over reality rather than reality itself. When our questions are formed from these unseen assumptions, clarity becomes difficult—not because language fails, but because we are not all starting from the same understanding. Misunderstanding is almost inevitable. Worse still, we tend to defend these internal narratives rather than examine them, even when they distort our thinking. As Pema Chodron asks, “Do we see the stories that we’re telling ourselves and question their validity?”
We could be in over our heads. We must acknowledge limits; there are some things that are past our current understanding. This can make us feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or stupid. The human learning style is to learn things in increments- not to get everything loaded in your brain all at once. "Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.
We might be avoiding the answer altogether because it would require us to change. Change, as we all know, can be most difficult. Speaking of change, let's dive into how we might ask better questions.
How to ask better questions:
- Before you ask anything, pause and translate your question. Silently ask: “What do I want this answer to help me do?” If it doesn’t lead to action, refine it the question. Weak: “Why is this so hard?” Strong: “What is the next simplest step I can take?”
- Replace the beginning of your question. Instead of using "why", begin with "how" or "what" instead. This matters because the word "why" tends to make others feel defensive, and you feel guilty, both negative feelings that will color the answers. Try to stay away from emotional spirals and work on getting actionable answers (take your power back). "The purpose of knowledge is action, not knowledge." - Aristotle.
Example: Instead of: “Why did I fail?” Ask: “What specifically didn’t work, and what can I adjust?” A good question should produce a next step.
- Most misunderstandings come from vague words. Learn to be very specific with your wording when forming a question. Take any word—we’ll use “success”—and define exactly what it means to you. Precision creates better answers instantly.
- Break big questions into smaller ones, as big questions often overwhelm our brains. Instead of: “How do I fix my life?”
Break into:
- “What is one area causing the most stress?”
- “What is one thing I can improve this week?”
Here is a clarity checklist that you can use on your next big question:
- Is it specific?
- Am I assuming something?
- Does it lead to action?
- Could it be misunderstood?
- Can I make it simpler?
We ask questions to get answers, but you might as well get comfortable with not knowing the answers to all life's questions. "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to learn to love the questions themselves." - Rainer Maria Rilke. The answer may never come out and announce itself, but by being comfortable sitting with the question and chipping away at what is untrue, you may eventually recognize it.
"People usually think that progress consists in the increase of knowledge, in the improvement of life, but that isn't so. Progress consists only in the greater clarification of answers to basic questions of life. The truth is always accessible to a man... because a man's soul is a divine spark, the truth itself. It's only a matter of removing from this divine spark everything that obscures it. Progress consists, not in the increase of truth, but in freeing it from its wrappings. The truth is obtained like gold, not by letting it grow bigger, but by washing off from it everything that isn't gold." - Leo Tolstoy.
This week, I hope that you will take one of the questions you have been asking and run it through the clarity checklist. Everything that we do can be improved, and that includes how you pose a question.
Love and Hope,
Big Sky Baby