Blame

"He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived." - Chinese Proverb.

I have noticed that we seem to be living in the age of blame. All our problems are someone else's fault. Our parents are to blame for our issues, politicians for our division, our partners for not giving us our best life, and our governments for not taking care of us. These are legitimate complaints, but they are not the true reason we are in our current position.

To blame is to hold another person or entity responsible for a fault or wrongdoing. "A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else." - John Burroughs, (1837-1921). Blame is a shield. Blame protects us from pain in the short term, but ultimately prevents the growth and responsibility needed to change our lives. Blaming something other than oneself means that you have an external locus of control, believing that life happens to you rather than being shaped by you (no control).

If you have an internal locus of control, then you believe that the choices you make will influence the outcomes (some control). "Great leaders don't blame the tools they are given. They work to sharpen them." - unknown.

How you deal with accepting responsibility was influenced by your upbringing and your personality. Some traits are common among those who use blame as a coping mechanism. You may see these traits in yourself or others. These patterns often show up in recognizable ways:

• They can't be held accountable for their part in a problem. Apologies (if given) often will shift the blame onto something else. "Accountability feels like an attack when you're not ready to acknowledge how your behavior harms others." - unknown.
• They have a chronic victim mindset where they see themselves as constantly wronged or disadvantaged. "Those who view themselves as victims claim entitlements and shun responsibility." - John MacArthur.
• They are defensive to corrective feedback. This feels like an attack, and their immediate reaction is to justify or counter-blame. I have been this person more than a few times. "If you're defensive, remember this- I am not under attack. What this person is saying may have some value. I can respond after this person finishes their point. I am not always right. It's okay for people to speak their truth. Listening allows me to respond appropriately." - @NEDRATAWWAB.
• They exhibit learned helplessness, basically believing that personal effort won't change the outcome and that it's not worth trying. "If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches. For the creative, there is no poverty." - Rilke.
• They have low or fragile self-esteem that they are trying to protect. Admitting fault feels like an admission that they are a bad person. "Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily; and why older persons, especially if vain or important, cannot learn at all." - Thomas Szasz.
• They are unable to tolerate the frustration of dealing with discomfort, failure, or uncertainty. Blaming relieves their emotional pressure quickly.
• They have a fixed mindset and are unable to see multiple perspectives. They think, "I am right; therefore, others must be wrong." "Small-minded people blame others. Average people blame themselves. The wise see all blame as foolishness." - Epictetus.

These traits are common among humans, but how did they come about? Admitting responsibility can trigger shame, fear of rejection, or a loss of identity. The mind uses blame to protect itself. Unfortunately, the more that it does this, the easier it gets, until it becomes a habitual pattern of thought. Why does the brain want to do this? Because blame works in the short term by reducing guilt, reducing anxiety, and preserving the ego. "Instead of fighting the world, kill your ego." - Rumi.

People can be scared of accepting responsibility because responsibility requires change, and change is hard. "Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change." - Iyanla Vanzant. No one really wants to face the fact that they might be the problem.

There are external circumstances that affect the quality of someone's life, such as bad bosses/parents, poverty/economic setbacks, and unfair systems. These realities are true, but people who want to avoid responsibility are not trying to hide from the truth- they are trying to avoid pain.

Pain is a powerful emotional experience, and the belief that what is happening to them is not their fault is going to keep them from having to deal with it. This is why trying to reason with them logically will not work. They cannot seem to let go of their pride, face their pain, and go through the difficult process of change. "If you're serious about change, you have to go through uncomfortable situations. Stop trying to dodge the process, it's the only way to grow." -unknown.

I hope that this helps explain why humans would give up their freedom and want someone else to be responsible for their actions and thoughts. While understandable, this behavior ultimately holds us back. We should not expect others to do for us what we should do for ourselves. That being said, it is a good idea to ask for help when needed. There will be things that you cannot conquer alone.

Life will always be hard in one way or another, but blaming outside factors will stall any forward progress. Acceptance, forgiveness, and a willingness to be wrong and then change will eventually turn us into the best person we can hope to be. "If you figured it all out today, what would be the point of tomorrow? Enjoy the process of being a work in progress." - unknown.

Love and Hope,

Big Sky Baby